If you take the lazy route and follow the western cultural narrative regarding monogamous male-female relationships, you do so at your own peril gentlemen. As the social impediments collapse and the pervasive feminine imperative of western culture continues to gain momentum, your relationship will always be at risk. If you fall for the common storyline and back off taking the lead with your woman, one day your head is likely to be served to you on a platter.
Here in the United States more than two thirds (some studies say 80%) of all divorces are initiated by women. Even though men have largely accepted the cultural norms of the day regarding equality between the sexes, things are getting worse. It seems like the more men agree to equate themselves with women, the more women seem to be leaving them. Our good intentions are having the opposite of the desired effect.
This leaves a man scratching his head as he reflects on and reviews his actions when things start to fall apart. Being a faithful husband, a good father, loving and hardworking might not be enough. But how can this be? What more could a woman ask for? After all, conducting yourself as such is widely accepted as the foundation for a great relationship according to accepted norms and every chick flick ever made.
The catch is that these qualities and actions are indeed a great basis for a successful long term pairing. The problem is that as men we’ve taken our foot off the gas and forgotten about essentially all of female evolutionary history. We’ve fallen for the equality narrative hook, line and sinker.
What we have failed to realize is that women want all that they have today, but still need and want a man who will act as the tip of the spear in his household. Whether she admits it or not, she will still want you to take the lead when difficulties arise and be constantly proactive as you go about your lives. There is no room for backing off and coasting.
As men, some of us have taken the equality narrative too literally and stepped back from our traditional role as protector and provider. And as the years pass and she sees other potentialities arise her evolutionary nature will manifest itself in many unpleasant ways; manifestations that will lead to strife, unhappiness, discord or worse.
So let us discuss how to be proactive and maintain a strong and exciting relationship with our chosen woman. And how to keep our cherished household together.
Inspiration for many of my thoughts in this series of articles goes to Rollo Tomassi and his fine body of work over at therationalmale.com.
Strictly considered, the term hypergamy is defined as: the action of marrying a person of a superior caste or class. From an evolutionary female perspective, however, hypergamy is about a woman’s instinctual programming to secure the best possible mate with which to bear children. She will consider a man for his potential genetic contribution to her offspring as well as his ability for material provisioning. It has always been in a woman’s best interests to bear healthy and strong children within a household and family environment ideally suited for their success. In short, a woman’s nature is to marry well for herself and for her children.
If you think about it, up until about 60 years ago, a woman’s future and quality of life were directly tied to the man she married. Women were severely limited in their ability to enter and compete in the workplace for cultural and physical reasons. Imagine what it must have been like for a woman even 200 years ago; her choices for personal development and independence were severely limited. Thus, we have the ingrained survival mechanism of hypergamy which has developed in women over the millennia.
And who can blame them for their nature as such? Even today, as equals with men in terms of opportunity, a man cannot blame a woman for seeking out the best possible partner for herself. After all, as men we do the same thing; although the qualities each sex pursues are generally different in nature. Women today are still more comfortable with a man of equal or higher socioeconomic status, whereas men will place more emphasis on physical attractiveness.
Yes indeed, a lot has changed in the past few decades for women. In historical terms this has happened very, very quickly; in the blink of an eye. And as human nature would have it, this is the only reality that most of us understand. Most of us have no frame of reference for anything any different. From a biological perspective, however, nothing has changed. Natural selection still drives hypergamy in women as powerfully as it always has. Thus we have the cultural trap that many men have fallen for.
Forewarned is forearmed gentlemen. Especially with the economic and cultural freedoms women now possess, hypergamy is at play like no other time. If you value your relationship it is in your best interest to always maintain a keen awareness of this particular nature of women. Become proactive and take control before it is too late.
The True Romantics
The first step to reclaiming a positive and healthy relationship that has gone south is to realize that men love women differently than women love men. There is no doubt in my mind that of course a woman can love a man just as deeply and faithfully as he loves her. But at its most primitive level hers is a conditional love driven by hypergamy.
In other words, no matter how much she loves you today, if you do not maintain your status as the tip of the spear and shield for her over the long term, her love for you will not be enough. At best you will have to put up with shit tests and limited interest for the rest of your life and at worst you’ll be served with divorce papers or she will walk out the door.
Our problem is that it is we who are the true romantics. In this author’s opinion, most men love their women unconditionally. The decision was made permanent years ago, naturally and as matter of principle; especially if she bears him children. And this is how a man sees his relationship from that point forward. He will then structure his life, work and interests to support that decision—in many cases to his own detriment. No sacrifice is too big and no effort is too challenging to support his woman and children. A man will bust a gut for years for the benefit of his family; as he should.
The major mistake we make is to assign this same unconditional basis for love and commitment to our women. Mix in this assumption with the modern equality narrative and we have a recipe for our current state of affairs. We take women at their word that all responsibilities should be shared equally and that she is just as equipped to handle things as we are. And perhaps this is true in most cases. But what a woman says she wants according to the modern feminine imperative and what her hard coded evolutionary programming wants are two different things.
The long and the short of it is that you should never assume your woman loves you in the same fashion as you love her. Her love is conditional. Yours is unconditional. Remember that it is men who are the true romantics. Don’t ever resent this fact. Just accept it and be proud of your genuine love and affection.
But then don’t ever make the mistake of getting lazy and backing off the lead in your household. Sure you can be equals, you just become more equal. Love your woman with all the passion you possess, but get out in front of the relationship and take care of whatever needs to be taken care of. Take the lead, take the flack and continue to make yourself a better man. There is no point where you can simply say to yourself you’ve paid your dues and are good to go from here.
If you remember one thing from this article, remember Iron Rule of Tomassi #1: Frame Is Everything.
Frame is the controlling reality in which the relationship with your woman exists. To put it simply, either it will be your reality or it will be hers. And despite her willingness to control the frame of your relationship if you let her, never, ever let that happen. Because when things get difficult and she sees you just sitting there along for the ride, resentment driven by hypergamy will kick in and it will be downhill from there.
Your woman might be sophisticated, intelligent, reasonable and love you like crazy right now. She might even admire you for your commitment to the modern female imperative. But trust me on this one, if the shit ever hits the fan and you are riding on her coat tails, hypergamy will kick into hyper drive and all bets will be off. She will be deeply disappointed that you have taken a passive role in your household and her eyes will wander in resentment to other options that may or may not be within reach.
Don’t fall for it. Encourage your woman be as modern and successful as she can be in her own right. Give her all the independence she desires. But never let her control the frame of your relationship. You set the reality, you set the theme and you set the agenda. Consult with her as necessary. Do not become a tyrant, but remain relentless in your control of frame. Besides your love for the woman, nothing will be more important to your happiness together over the long term.
Even if it’s smooth sailing for years her respect and attraction for you will wane if you acquiesce to her frame over yours. Remember that attraction cannot be negotiated. And it does not matter how good and faithful of a man you are, hypergamy controls the throttle regarding attraction and passion. Women are hard wired and physically drawn to masculine men of action. Men who have an agenda and get things done. Men who are leaders and who constantly strive to improve themselves. These types of men control the frame of their relationship, they do not yield to the frame of their woman.
You must control frame because hypergamy will never rest. Over the years her deference to you will fade if you get too comfortable. She will see you easing off the throttle and beginning to coast. This is no way for a man to live in any case and certainly not good for his profile in the eyes of his woman. Pursue your Life Mission for your own benefit, but also as a complement to the love of your life. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you are a dynamic man who values his woman and family to such a degree that he will always strive to better himself.
So make sure to project your never ending pursuit of personal greatness and this will become the driving force behind your frame. Conveniently, reading and internalizing everything here at BFN will help you do just that.
Hypergamy, Romance and Frame
Do not let your woman’s hypergamy discourage your love for her. Turn it around in your favor. Give her what her evolutionary nature craves and you will both have a passionate life together. It will be better for the both of you; you will become a better man and she will enjoy you for it. Make it so that you both remain on your toes in your relationship, just as it was in the beginning.
In my mind, hypergamy makes women a little wilder in some respects; untamed if you will. And sometimes wild is good. After all, a man can’t get too comfortable or he stops living. There is more to being alive than fogging a mirror and a challenge is always good for the spirit. Consider your woman a permanent challenge and enjoy every aspect of her unique female nature.
The key is to tie all three together—hypergamy, romance and frame. Always keep them at the fore of your mind and a synergy will prevail. Each one will enhance the other and you will have a life with your woman that most men can only dream of.
All the best,